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NEWMARKET - When people think of intimate partner violence (IPV) or domestic abuse, they often picture female victims and male perpetrators.
While women are undoubtedly the most vulnerable to such violence, it's crucial to acknowledge that men, too, can suffer in silence. One of their greatest challenges in seeking help is breaking through the societal stigma that equates vulnerability with weakness.
One survivor from Markham, who prefers to remain anonymous, shares his story from nearly 40 years ago.
His first encounter with IPV came during a brief, one-year marriage that left deep emotional marks, he said, distrust from his spouse, spurred by the long commutes required by his job, cast a shadow over their relationship, and their child was caught in the middle, a silent witness to the tension that defined their home.
His second experience defies common perceptions and challenges the conventional understanding of abuse.
"It’s hard for many people to believe, but I was raped by my female partner," he shares. “She was my ex at the time but had not moved out. One night, she attempted it while I was asleep." Even years later, he recalls the surreal disbelief: How could this happen to him, a man?
As highlighted in 10 common but easily overlooked misconceptions about intimate partner violence, “while women are the most vulnerable population to domestic violence, abusers can also include women and non-binary individuals.”
For the first time, the survivor found language that resonated with his experiences — an acknowledgement he never expected.
"Most people don’t understand how a woman could rape a man. Yet, it happened.”
He considers himself fortunate not to have been left with long-term emotional scars. "In those days, it was just a fact of life," he adds, a reflection of a time when male victims of abuse were invisible, even to themselves.
He always thought of IPV as something purely physical, but the article made him realize that abuse takes many forms, including mental abuse and elder abuse. Seeing his story mirrored in broader discussions was a revelation.
He acknowledges that while perceptions have shifted over the decades, many men still struggle to come forward. "I’m eager to see how many men will break the silence and share their stories," he says in the wake of November's Intimate Partner Violence Awareness Month, a time dedicated to shedding light on the different faces of IPV and supporting all victims, regardless of gender.
"It’s time for the narrative to expand, for people to see beyond the stereotypes of the male abuser and female victim."
Scarlett Liu is a federally funded Local Journalism Initiative reporter at Markham Economist & Sun